Learning the Basics "Chapter One" at a Time - Part 4

WinR MK Johnston brings you Part 4 of her tutorial, "Learning the Basics "Chapter One" at a Time. MK is a former print and television journalist and served on the board of the Alameda Writers Group. She is a current member of that group as well as Sisters in Crime and WIWA.

PART 4 - SHOW, DON’T TELL

This aspect of writing is difficult to explain because it’s so subjective. We know it must be done; but where, when, and especially how to do it is the challenge.

Sol Stein, author of “How To Grow A Novel”, points out that from the time we’re very young, we become accustomed to hearing stories, whether it’s our parents reading to us, schoolmates repeating tales, or gossips in the workplace. The ones we enjoy the most are the ones we can best envision.

Our desire to “see” stories also comes from watching visual media such as television and films. We all know how engaging they can be even if the content is hollow. As our culture becomes more accustomed to watching stories, writers must follow suit, making our novels even more visual. That’s why so many contemporary books are written in a “filmic” style, where the plot and action are laid out like scenes in a movie. It’s also why the descriptive style of novels from earlier centuries is no longer in favor.

The “show, don’t tell” complaint is often attributed to writing that is:

o Too passive – is, was, were; he said/she said

o Too vague – it lacks sufficient or crucial detail

o Too secretive – it’s important but the writer holds back

o Too detailed – it’s unimportant but the writer goes on at length

o Too repetitive – often stated many times, or in different ways.

o Too informational – a fact dump that reads like a manual

o Too one-dimensional – we hear it but we don’t see it (dialogue)

When we begin to write, we tend to focus on laying out the plot and introducing our characters. However, people want to read stories, not reports or a catalog of events. Once you’ve completed your first draft, go over it, starting with your first chapter, and look for places to illustrate your story with words.

HOW TO FIX THE PROBLEM

• Close your eyes and imagine the situation you’re describing. Then write what you “see”.

• Think of yourself as the director or actor in the scene. What would you tell the character to do, or what would you do, feel, or experience in that scene? Think body language, emotions, external factors (cold, bright, musty?).

• Imagine you’re a set dresser, lighting person, or costume designer. What would the setting look like? How would the character be dressed, and what statement would it make about him? Pick two details that would symbolize the look or atmosphere you want to create in the scene.

• Examine how you’ve introduced your protagonist and any other characters that appear in your first chapter. How should your readers feel about them at this point and will those feelings change in the course of the story? Do your words generate that impression?

• Don’t flesh out minor characters. Describe them in a sentence or phrase, or if their “title” is enough for us to visualize them, one word. What characteristic would be most telling about them, relating to their role in the story?

• Look for those passive dialogue tags – he said, she uttered, Jane asked, Bob queried – and think about how you could substitute a small bit of action instead. This can help us visualize the character at that moment, move the story forward, or do both.

Here’s a chance to use that passive description. Sum up your main character in one declarative sentence:

o Barry wants respect, not pity

o Lisa has low self-esteem

o Jack’s tough exterior hides an emotional Achilles heel

o Edmund’s weak social skills prevent acknowledgment of his scientific genius


Next, create a scenario that would illustrate this trait:

o Barry would rather search through dumpsters than beg

o Lisa accomplishes 98 percent of her project and berates herself for not doing better

o Jack snaps at everyone but shows extraordinary sensitivity when interviewing a child abuse victim

o Edmund tries to explain his breakthrough to top management, but they ignore him and direct questions to his lab partner

Now expand that scenario. “Show, don’t tell” involves more than just seeing the action. Go beyond the visuals to include other senses – smells, sounds, tastes, and tactile feelings. Demonstrate emotional responses with physical actions, especially when they relate to the characters’ external and internal goals. Whatever keeps them from the one thing they want most should elicit the most powerful descriptions, for this conflict is the core of your story.

Compare the results of this exercise to what you currently have written in your first chapter.

EXCEPTIONS TO THE RULE

There are times when passive descriptions are appropriate in fiction:

• A simple statement of fact: It was June 12; my teacher’s name is Mrs. Lopez, George Washington was our first President

• Situations where list-like descriptions are called for, like a police interrogation (“He was short, stocky, about 150 pounds, with red hair….”).

• Dialogue that suits the character (a character who speaks passively will come off as a boring, colorless individual, which is great if the character is boring and colorless – just don’t make him a primary character!)

• When a report is preferable to poetry. There will be times when you’ll want to describe the blazing sun beating down on his already reddened face, sending rivulets of sweat streaming from his brow. Then there will be times when you’ll want to say it was hot.

• When it’s preferable to using substitute words – uttered instead of said, or queried instead of asked. ‘He said’ may be passive, but many writers consider it less obtrusive than other alternatives.


In our final installment, we’ll give our left brain a rest when we channel our creative side to write DIALOGUE

An Interview with Sue Ann Jaffarian

We are pleased to have with us author and paralegal Sue Ann Jaffarian. Sue Ann is the author of two series--the Odelia Grey mysteries and Granny Apples mysteries. She is also a motivational speaker and has performed as a professional stand-up comic.

Welcome Sue Ann!

With four Odelia Grey mysteries under your belt, you’ve turned to writing a new sub-genre—paranormal mysteries.


In the first book, “Ghost a la Mode”, Granny Apples convinces her three-times great granddaughter, Emma Whitecastle, to solve an old murder—Granny’s. Will Granny Apples figure as prominently in the future books? And who would you consider the main character, Granny Apples or Emma Whitecastle?

Granny will be in all of the future books. After all, it is her series, even if the main protagonist really is Emma. But they are definitely a team.

Was it difficult to make an otherworldly figure like Granny Apples believable?

It was my goal from the outset to make Granny Apples and all the ghosts in the books as believable as possible. That is one of the reasons why Emma is the main sleuth. I thought it would be more realistic if the living part of the team actually did the investigation, aided by the ghost. Basically, I write the ghosts as if they are still alive, but with modifications to allow for the fact that they are not. They don’t have superpowers and retain the personalities they had when alive.

With two different series on your plate (not to mention a full time job), how do you keep up the pace? Do you work on both series at the same time, or finish one book and then “change hats”?

I’m able to keep up by sticking to a writing schedule. That’s the key – making a schedule and sticking to it. I write almost everyday, mostly in the mornings. I often work on two projects at a time, but one is always the main focus and usually that’s the book with the upcoming deadline. I like to carve out some time in the week to work on the other project, like one designated evening. That way, it continues to move along even though my main focus is on a different manuscript. When the main book is done and off to my publisher, I’m not starting from scratch on the next book when it becomes the main project. So far, that has worked well for me and it’s surprising how much I get done on that one designated evening.

Many mystery heroines include descriptions such as petite, bountiful red hair, and leggy. It’s obvious from the Odelia Grey series’ success that your heroine appeals to readers, but was a plus-sized paralegal a hard sell to publishers?

Yes, in some ways it was. My agent and I received quite a few rejections before Midnight Ink picked it up. Publishers often felt it wouldn’t appeal to enough readers, and one said they’d already had a plus size series and it didn’t do well. Midnight, though, was willing to take a chance on Odelia and it has paid off for both of us.

You self-published your first Odelia Grey and then marketed the heck out of it, catching the eye of publishers. Would you recommend this route to other writers?

No, I would not. It was a very difficult road to take and the climate towards self-published novels has definitely taken a turn in a more negative direction. And it almost did not work for me. In fact, it nearly tanked my series. Several publishers were not interested in my Odelia Grey series because it had been previously self-published. Who knows, they might have bought it had it not been.

Marketing seems to be your middle name, an advantage as publisher’s publicity budgets shrink. Would you offer other authors advice on how to get their books out to the buying public?

Wow, there are so many ways to reach readers these days, but the most cost effective seems to be having an internet presence. That was how I marketed my self-published books. Social networks like Facebook are invaluable for directing people to your personal blog and books, but there’s a fine line between good promotion and being obnoxious about it. There are so many authors, mostly first timers, on these networks who need to take a course is networking courtesy. Bombarding people with your books is a sure fire way to alienate readers, not gain them. These networks should be used to help people get to know you and your work, not be hit over the head with constant sales pitches.

Another great way to market a book, which also worked for me, is to find a special niche and contact groups dedicated to that niche. For example, I do a lot of public speaking to paralegals, legal secretaries, etc. Odelia and I are both paralegals, so that is a natural group for me to contact. It has been very successful.

Odelia is married by the fourth book in the series. I remember how the television series “Moonlighting” went downhill once Dave and Maddie got together. Did you worry that tying Odelia to one man would disappoint readers looking for sexual tension and romance?

In Odelia’s case, no. Most of my readers love that Odelia married Greg. At first, I thought about dragging the sexual tension and love triangle out for several books, but I don’t always enjoy that in other series I’ve read, so didn’t want to follow that usual pattern. It can seem forced and unnatural if taken too far. When Odelia started dating Greg Stevens, she was in her late forties. In real life, a woman of that age would not normally play the field and juggle a couple of suitors, and Odelia wasn’t the sort to bed hop. A few books into the series she would have to make a decision, Greg or Dev or neither.

Will the Granny Apples series appeal to readers who are already fans of the Odelia Grey mysteries?

I believe so and it seems they have already embraced Granny and Emma. Some think it’s better than the Odelia books and others think the Odelia books are better, but most seem to be enjoying both series, which pleases me a great deal. Also, there are now many paranormal mystery readers who are discovering Odelia and enjoying her adventures. I enjoy giving my readers a variety without tampering with the first series. And it allows me to stretch my wings a bit.

What’s next for Sue Ann Jaffarian?

More stretching of my wings. I have been developing a vampire mystery series and have been offered a 3-book deal on it. Negotiations are currently underway and, if all goes well, I will be releasing a vampire mystery series in the fall of 2011.

I never thought in a million years that I’d write a vampire series. I mean, so many others already do it so well. But I had an idea for a different spin on the genre and ran it past my agent and a few others. They absolutely loved my idea, so I developed a proposal and several sample chapters and it sparked a lot of interest.

Thank you so much for having me on your blog!

You can order Ghost a la Mode or preorder Corpse on the Cob from Amazon.com. You can also visit Sue Ann at her website.

Reviews of "Ghost a la Mode" and "Booby Trap"

GHOST A LA MODE, A Ghost of Granny Apples Mystery

by Sue Ann Jaffarian
Midnight Ink, September 2009, $14.95
Review by Jackie Houchin
With four successful Odelia Grey mysteries on the shelves, Sue Ann Jaffarian has turned from the paralegal to the paranormal mystery in her new Ghost of Granny Apples series. And while her characters are fresh and unusual, they are every bit as fascinating and likable.


With her divorce nearly final and her daughter about to leave for college, forty-something Emma Whitecastle is at loose ends. So when an old girlfriend begs Emma to join her at a séance, as part of a research project, she accepts.

At the séance, Clairvoyant Milo Ravenscroft tells Emma that a ghost from her family’s past needs her help – a woman who was hanged for murder. At first Emma laughs at the idea, wondering what kind of scam the man is running.

But when she suddenly starts craving apple pie and her father admits that her three-times-great grandmother – executed for killing her husband – once lived in the apple-growing town of Julian, Emma is unnerved.

But it’s a visit from Granny Apples’ ghost – insisting that she’s innocent – that convinces Emma to investigate the murder. What she discovers as she digs into Julian’s history stirs up a hornet’s nest of ghosts and villains who want Emma dead and gone.

Jaffarian’s talent for writing intriguing plots and cliffhanger chapters excels in the new series, and her vivid scenes of ghostly appearances and conversations are imaginative and often hilarious. There’s even a touch of romance. Granny Apples is just what the doctor ordered.

***


BOOBY TRAP, by Sue Ann Jaffarian, Midnight Ink, 2009

--Jackie Houchin

Plus-sized paralegal and part-time sleuth, Odelia Grey has married the love of her life and settled down to domestic docility. Ha! Those familiar with the series know that Odelia can’t stay out of trouble, and that before chapter one ends, she’ll be knee deep in another murder mystery.

In Booby Trap, a serial killer – dubbed the “Blond Bomber” because he prefers his victims blond and beautiful – is terrorizing L.A. A famous plastic surgeon who specializes in breast enhancement is a suspect. At least his mother – who has a few naughty habits of her own – suspects him. She begs Odelia to disprove her suspicions before the police catch on.

Odelia promised her new hubby she wouldn’t get involved in another dangerous situation, but proving someone is NOT the killer is safe, right?

Jaffarian starts the book with a bang, throws in clues and red herrings galore, amps the suspense with multiple plot twists, then delivers a double high-five conclusion and a denouement that will leave readers eager for book five.

Learning the Basics "Chapter One" at a Time - Part 3

WinR MK Johnston brings you Part 3 of her tutorial, "Learning the Basics "Chapter One" at a Time. MK is a former print and television journalist and served on the board of the Alameda Writers Group. She is a current member of that group as well as Sisters in Crime and WIWA.

PART 3 - ADJECTIVES AND ADVERBS

We want our writing to be expressive, to come alive with imagery and detail. But how much is enough and how much is too much?

Many novice writers tend to overuse adjectives and adverbs. We think if a verb or noun is descriptive, attaching modifiers will make the words more precise and visual. However, using too many weakens rather than strengthens your writing.

o Using multiple modifiers distracts the reader; by the time you get through all those words, your point is lost

o Attaching one modifier to each noun or verb can create a sing-song rhythm to the sentence, like a nursery rhyme.

o Filling in all the blanks can be boring because it leaves little to the reader’s imagination.

o Familiar pairing of adjectives and nouns (or adverbs and verbs) is often cliché.

o It can be lazy; you couldn’t find the exact word so you settled for a multi-part series.

o All those extra words, descriptions, and phrases, and the associated punctuation they require, such as commas, apostrophes, and hyphens, tend to create long-winded, awkward sentences which do not engage the reader, and which in fact will often distract from the pace, the plot and the characters, and only serve to slow down the story. Get the point?

Noah Lukeman, author of “The First Five Pages”, suggests removing every adjective and adverb from your first page and then reading it aloud. Does it read as well or better than before? Has it lost any of its meaning?

Go back and read your first chapter with an eye on your modifiers. Highlight every adjective in one color and every adverb in another. How colorful are your pages now?

HOW TO FIX THE PROBLEM

• Eliminate as many modifiers as possible. If you must use one, decide which is most important, and use the word that best conveys that point. For example, if your character has beautiful, long, lustrous, platinum blond hair, which adjective would be most useful in describing her?

• If you need an adjective, try substituting something unusual rather than the standard word - Duracell (copper topped) instead of redhead; driftwood hair instead of mousy brown.

• Eliminate modifiers by strengthening your verbs and nouns whenever possible.

• Substitute an analogy or comparison (instead of ‘she had beautiful long lustrous platinum blond hair’; try ‘she looked like a walking Pantene ad’).

• Change the description altogether. Perhaps the hair was a way to convey her character; is she someone who we’d expect to have hair like that, or is it atypical for her?

• Many celebrated authors ignored this advice, if you want to emulate them, read their pages again and evaluate how they made it work.



Next week, we’ll examine the meaning of SHOW, DON’T TELL

An Interview with Morgan St. James

Today, we are pleased to have with us author Morgan St. James. Morgan and her sister, Phyllice Bradner, write the Silver Sisters Mysteries. Their first book, A Corpse in the Soup, is a hilarious cook’s tour through the world of celebrity TV chefs as the two sisters search for a killer. Morgan writes short stories, magazine articles and other books on her own.


Morgan, tell us a little bit about the plot of your most recent book, “Seven Deadly Samovars”.

It starts with Goldie in a state of total frustration because some Russian samovars she ordered haven’t shown up at her antique store in Juneau, Alaska. The ladies at the Russian Orthodox Church want to give one to their beloved priest who is retiring. When the fancy Russian teapots finally arrive, Godiva has come to Juneau with her boyfriend, TV Chef Caesar Romano to attend a birthday party. The samovars arrive the evening of the party, and Goldie quickly realizes she’s gotten the wrong shipment. These are far more beautiful and valuable than the ones she ordered. But Goldie can’t reach the exporter in Vladivostok. When she sells them, people who have the fancy teapots start to die. What makes them worth killing for? The Silver Sister twins and their eighty year old mother and uncle, former vaudeville magicians, have a merry chase trailing the bumbling Russian killers, the Dumkovsky brothers, from Juneau to Seattle to Los Angeles. It’s murder and mayhem all along the way!

Your sleuths are two very different sisters. Goldie Silver is an aging hippie, and Godiva Olivia DuBois writes an advice column called “Ask G.O.D.”. Do these sisters represent you and your co-author and sister, Phyllice Bradner? And which character are you?

We intentionally modeled Goldie and Godiva loosely after ourselves, so we would know how they thought and what they would do. Phyllice actually was just past the hippie stage when she moved to Alaska at age twenty, did dress in vintage clothes and did own an antique shop at one time. Oh yeah, she is also the “salt of the earth” like our character Goldie. She would give someone the shirt off her back as the saying goes, and then ask if she could get them a coat from Goodwill.

That means I’m the model for Godiva…a very loosely drawn model, I must say. The similarities are that I’m more or less a “fashionista,” have lived in Beverly Hills (although not on a fancy estate like Godiva) and, oh yes, I admit to being manipulative. But, I’m not as selfish as Godiva, my wonderful husband will attest that I’m not a widow, and I don’t write an advice column, although Phyllice and I have talked about launching one in conjunction with our novels.

You're writing partner lives in Oregon. Can you tell us about how this process works? How do you keep the flow? Do you each write different characters or alternating chapters? Also, are there added difficulties writing with a partner?

Besides being writing partners, Phyllice and I are real life sisters. Since we’ve been writing the Silver Sisters Mysteries, when we’re together, we’re often asked if we’re twins. In reality, we are five-and-a-half years apart. She lived in Alaska when we first started writing together, and in place of difficulties that other writing partners might have, our collaboration has brought us very close together as sisters. Before we started the Silver Sisters, we barely knew each other, because she moved to Alaska when she was only twenty. We have become best friends through our writing.

We decided early on that if one of us didn’t feel strongly about something, and the other did, the one with the passion ruled. If we both have differing opinions, we talk it out and make the decision that’s best for the story…not us personally. We also discovered our strengths early on. I am a very fast, prolific writer and she is the consummate editor. We work out the plot and timeline together. Then I draft the chapters and send them to her to edit and add her special comedic touches. If I agree, it’s on to the next chapter. If not, we e-mail back and forth until we’re both satisfied. We also have marathon editing sessions on the phone. Sometimes as long as four hours. And, we try to meet for retreats once or twice a year.

What do you come up with first: a fantastic crime, a brilliant solution, or the wicked bad guy that readers will love to hate?

Since we are both pretty zany, like our characters, I guess we come up with the story line first. Sometimes we have a fantastic character in mind, so we make sure that character has a role. The twists and turns are part of the way we write. In each of the published books, “A Corpse in the Soup,” and “Seven Deadly Samovars,” we thought we knew exactly where we were going—until some great twists occurred to us after the manuscript was finished. We will make changes, if warranted, right up to the last minute. And we make absolutely certain to drop clues along the way. Sometimes they’re very subtle, but they are always there. We think we have the entire plot of our next book nailed, but only time will tell.

You have several Amazon Shorts—short stories available on Amazon.com. Do you write shorts as a release from the novel writing? And are there other types of writing that you enjoy?

You’ve got that one right. I’m a fast track person, and novels take time. I love writing short stories for the instant gratification. Sometimes they’re fiction, like “Saying Goodbye to Miss Molly,” in the anthology, “The World Outside the Window,” and sometimes they are true or based upon truth. Two of my favorites are a story about my mother, “Shopping for Dancing Shoes,” the first story in Chicken Soup for the Shopper’s Soul, and my Amazon Short, “The Second Time Around.” How much stranger than fiction can it be when your mother-in-law remarries her first husband after not seeing him for over thirty years, and it all takes place in a pouring rainstorm at a Mexican wedding storefront chapel called the Casa de Novios? To add to the bizarre situation, my then-husband had been told his father was dead from the time he was a tot. After reconnecting with her first love, one day without warning, his mother handed him a telephone and said, “Say hello to your father.” It was a funny story that begged to be told.

You also co-edit “On the Prowl”, the Nevada Sisters in Crime newsletter, and you pen a column with Mike Dennis, “You Don’t Say”, which tackles misused words. What’s the most common mistake you run into?

People using the wrong spelling of a word, and when that happens it completely changes the meaning of the sentence. We play around with mistakes like that, redundancies, oxymorons, nonsense phrases and more. We have actually just completed a proposal for a full length book of the same title. We think “You Don’t Say” could be to murdering the English language what “Eats, Shoots and Leaves” is to felonious punctuation. Keep your fingers crossed that we get a publisher.

What’s next for the Silver Sisters?

Fun, fun, fun! We are about sixty percent finished with the first draft of “Vanishing Act in Vegas.” What secret is Mara the Magnificent, the beautiful headliner magician at the Glitz Palace on the Las Vegas Strip, who happens to be Godiva’s son Torch’s new girlfriend, hiding? Be prepared to laugh your way through our trademark twists and turns to a very surprising ending.

Thank you for taking the time to be our guest. You can order Morgan's books on Amazon and can visit her at her website .

Review of Seven Deadly Samovers

SEVEN DEADLY SAMOVARS

By Morgan St. James & Phyllice Bradner
Books In Motion, 2009, Audio, 7/CDs, $28.99
Read by Andrea Bates
Review by Jackie Houchin

The second book in the Silver Sisters Crime Caper series moves the action from Beverly Hills to Juneau, Alaska, where Goldie, the more practical of the twins, runs an antique shop for tourists. The trouble begins when a delayed shipment of Russian tea urns finally arrives. Goldie quickly realizes the rare Samovars she unpacks are not the cheapies she ordered. But hey, that’s business.

She keeps one for herself, another goes to her mother-in-law, two to her best friend, one for an elderly priest’s retirement gift, one to her sister Godiva’s boyfriend, Chef Caesar Romano, and the last one to a snobbish woman from a cruise ship. Goldie is pleased by the quick sales and only mildly curious when a customer calls to report something intriguing about the urns.

But the samovars soon grab all of Goldie’s and Godiva’s attention as one customer is murdered and others are attacked and their samovars are taken. The town drunk – a disabled, unemployed elderly fisherman – is arrested for the murder. The sisters know the old coot is innocent and that the murder is somehow connected with the stolen samovars, but the police are not buying it.

It’s left to the sisters to catch the criminals before the last two customers are harmed. But when another innocent person dies they are terrified for Caesar’s sake and race to Los Angeles to use their combined wits and cunning to corner and captured the culprits.

The secret of the samovars is finally revealed…as is a shocking detail about Chef Romano that he would rather have kept classified.

Devilishly clever plots, outlandish names for adorable, well-developed characters, and hilarious alliterative narration are all part of what makes the Silver Sisters mysteries a hoot to read. And in this particular audio edition, the reader’s sense of drama and comic voice characterization add to the enjoyment. (Actually, Ms Bates sounds just like Morgan!)

Happy Thanksgiving! Things We're Thankful For!